Jan 13, 2011

These Goddamn Forks

I would like to express a grievance.

My school has, for as long as I've been around, been consistent with its plasticware. The same forks, knives, and spoons have been served since my days as a freshman. No one has ever once complained that this plasticware was inadequate. The reason for this is, of course, that it's not inadequate. I've learned to know and love the plasticware that we have. But this week, a travesty occurred:

They changed the forks.

This is unacceptable.
Left: Acceptable.
Right: Downright unacceptable.
It's not just that I'm resistant to change. I'm a perfectly accepting guy. I'm willing to listen to outside views and maybe undergo a lifestyle change if necessary. This, though, was just uncalled for. Look at that fork. I have a number of objections to it.

1. It's simply too thin. You can't do any fancy maneuvering with this kind of fork. You need a nice, broad base that you can use to turn the fork between your fingers if you so choose. If you need to change your grip, placing another finger on top, raising your elbow, etc., you don't have time to worry about the fork falling out of your hand.

2. It's so goddamn long. This aids in the aforementioned lack of maneuverability, causing the fork to potentially hit the awkward skin flap between your thumb and index finger; but not only that, it's just cost-inefficient. More length means more plastic. More plastic means more materials. More materials means higher cost of production. Higher cost of production means higher consumer-end cost. The consumer, of course, is the school. These forks are actually raising your taxes.

3. Strange curvature. I don't know what they were going for with this. I think the intent was to make them such that they would rest easily against your hand, which is a great idea if you have small hands. I, however, wear XL gloves. Instead, all that this curvature does is inconvenience my middle finger.

4. HUGE tines. Like, to the point of absurdity. You are NOT eating an 8-oz steak sideways in the student center; I promise you, you do NOT need  three goddamn inches of tines. They're extra-wide, too, and blunter, meaning that it's harder to impale small foods such as peas and blueberries. The dip of the fork is so far back, too, that if you want to use your fork as some sort of a sharp spoon, you'd better have a HUGE mouth, and be prepared to impale yourself in the throat anyway. The point can be, and has been, raised that the larger head of the fork increases its sturdiness. To that, I say that if you have ever accidentally bitten down and broken your fork while eating your school lunch, then you clearly have bigger problems.

There really is no good side to these new forks. They're just abominations. I've half a mind to start bringing my own plasticware to school. For all I know, there could be some compelling reason for these forks to exist, but until anyone finds that reason, I strongly encourage you not to use these forks, should you ever come across them.


  1. content running a little thing, huh?

  2. ↑ you're running a little thin.

  3. this makes me RAGE. Now I'm going to have to make a burrito out of my pancake =/


  5. They did this at my school, too. Last year.

  6. You know, I gotta say, when I started reading this I thought it was a rambling crock of bullshit, but when I look at the picture of the forks...
    the one on the right just looks fucking MENACING.
    I never thought a fork could look evil until now.
    P.S. It's Hannah.

  7. Oh wait. Now I can REALLy follow you.
    In lowest-common-denominator stalker terms.
    This is what I do at 4:30 in the morning.

  8. That's okay. I assure you, I stalk harder than you.


  10. It might be more cost efficient to purchase a metal fork that you can reuse. That way you don't have to keep buying acceptable plasticware. You have one acceptable fork and never have to worry about the plasticware selling location being out of stock of acceptable forks.

  11. No, it might be more cost efficient if people just got rid of forks and ate like people who aren't all ''Hi I'm a spoiled brat and can't eat with my hands.''

  12. ^New favorite comment. I tip my hat to you, Anonymous.