Jan 19, 2011

The Emptying of the Utility Pockets

Some of you may recall the existence of Utility Pockets, which are essentially neverending black holes of stuff. I stopped wearing the UP-bearing jacket about a month or two ago, because it just got terribly dirty. You may be wondering why I didn't just put it in the wash, then; to this, I respond with a friendly reminder of how involved that process is, simply because of the sheer number of things I would need to put away. Well, this morning I finally took it upon myself to empty the pockets so I could wash my jacket. Here's the inventory of what I removed:

  • 1 half-eaten bag of Cheerios (Apple-Cinnamon)
  • Two pairs of 3D "Real-D" glasses - one from Coraline, one from Megamind
  • A bulleted list of reasons that I am not a hipster
  • Pens
  • One green pencil, in very poor shape
  • Three green Hershey's Kiss wrappers
  • One bulleted list of all the camping trips I've been on in the last four years
  • Five physics problems, each written on a separate 1.5"x3" sheet of paper
  • The phone numbers of two people in the Boy Scouts
  • A sheet of notes that my guidance counselor took about my college hunt
  • $10
  • The phone number of Gunn, the coolest taxi driver (in Pittsburgh)
    • Actually, he deserves an entire post dedicated to him.
  • And, of course, the headlight.
Expect this to be a recurring thing. Except not that often. Because I don't really empty my pockets often. Ever.


  1. Some questions (Note: not in order of where certain things are in your post)
    1. What did you do with the cheerios?
    2. Is one of the reasons on the list, if you dress up as it for Halloween it's because you are not it?
    3. Do you remember that those were the movies you saw or were the glasses labeled in some way?
    4. Are you having your jacket dry-cleaned or just throwing it in the washing machine?

  2. Also:
    5. Why didn't you recycle at the theater/reuse the glasses you already had for the second movie?

  3. 1. I eat them. They're my breakfast. I usually eat them during English, but on days when I drop I instead eat them during calculus. (When I have English after lunch, that means I have lunch before breakfast.)
    2. No.
    3. I remember that those were the movies I saw.
    4. Just throwing it in the washing machine.
    5. After Coraline I asked to please keep the glasses; the guy said yes. After Megamind there was for whatever reason no depository for glasses.

  4. 1. I meant what did you do with the ones you just found
    2. It should be.
    3. But do you know which pair goes with which movie?
    4. Okay then.
    5. What do you plan on doing with these glasses now that you have them? Also, you had to ask, you didn't just slip them in your pocket and not say anything to the guy? Really?

  5. 1. I had two, realized that dinner is nigh upon me, decided not to spoil my appetite, and put it back into the pile of things to save for later.
    3. Yes. Coraline is the one that says REAL-D in red; Megamind in white.
    5. I've had them for ages. I whip them out whenever I find it appropriate. And I could have slipped them in my pocket, but someone told me I was stealing; thus, I asked.

  6. 1. That sounds reasonable.
    3. Too bad they don't say the movie name on them.
    5. I'm pretty sure it's not stealing. Part of why the 3-D tickets are more expensive is because you are buying the glasses. They just ask for them back to "recycle" so they can seem socially conscious. Or to try and reduce plastic use. Either way it's not stealing.

  7. I would fain know the reasons that you are not a hipster.

  8. No, they're not funny, honest.

  9. They sat under the desk and chair I frequently use. For an entire week until I said, "Greg, get rid of this stuff. I can't roll around," at which point he rightfully refilled his utility pockets.