A Bathroom Adventure of Much Excitement, Great Insight, And An Altogether Rollicking Good Time

You guys. Today I peed for such a long time.

How To Have A Thanksgiving Dinner, by Greg Edelston, Age 7

So recently, my mom discovered what I believe to be a homework assignment from when I was in second grade, at age seven. I can only assume that the assignment was "Describe how to have a Thanksgiving dinner. Provide an accompanying picture." My handwriting is almost the same as it is today, and there are only two spelling errors. I was also apparently the most hilarious seven-year-old in the word, with a full understanding of comedic theory. So here's what I wrote:

Greg Edelston, 11/21/00

1. Get you'r [sic] gun.
2. Fill it up.
3. Go outside.
4. Find a turkey.
5. Get a good distance from it.
6. Shoot.
7. Shoot until you kill the turkey.
8. Bring the turkey home.
9. Give it a feather-cut. [I assume that I was referring to a turkey's equivalent of a haircut, but I'm not 100% sure.]
10. Put it in the oven.
11. Set the timer for 20 min.
12. After 20 minutes, take it out.
13. Set the table fancily.
14. Get chairs.
15. Let the turkey cool off.
16. Invite people to dinner.
17. Wait.
18. Notice that the turkey is cold.
19. Heat it up.
20. Listen to the doorbell ring.
21. Let you'r [sic] visitors in.
22. Get the turkey.
23. Eat the turkey.
24. Enjoy!
25. Save the leftovers.
26. Throw it away after a week.

The following picture is stapled to the front:

I yearn for the days when I was this funny.

The Hierarchy of Condiments

Today, I was at an event at which hamburgers were served. I, in fact, was the one who made the hamburgers. The side-dishes weren't too numerous, but were enough: Doritos, potato salad, ketchup, and onions. I and my adviser decided that of the ten burgers, eight should be made with cheese cooked onto them and two without. A friend of mine wound up taking one of the two bare burgers. He didn't take any Doritos or potato salad. He put ketchup on his burger. That was totally normal. But then, he put onions on his burger.

His cheeseless burger.

Bun, burger, ketchup, onion, bun.

What.

That's right. You're undoubtedly baffled reading this; just imagine how I felt watching this with my own two eyes. Onions but no cheese? Just go and take some sauerkraut but skip the mustard, why don'tcha?

I don't even know what I'm looking at.

I raised my objection thusly: "Uh, excuse me, but did you just put onion on your burger without any cheese?"

"...Yes?"

"Doesn't that strike you as a little odd?"

"...No?"

"You don't see any problem with going out of order?"

"I don't think there's any sort of 'condiment order.'"

"...Hm."

It thus occurred to me that this condiment order isn't the sort of thing that most people generally think about, nor even one that I had ever consciously thought of. But there just seems to be a general etiquette that goes with condiments, an unspoken code. There are certain condiments that are a little more "exotic" than others, and thus are more likely to be objectionable; and unless you have a specific reason to avoid one condiment (e.g., lactose intolerance), and provided all relevant condiments' availability, it would be a breach of etiquette to take a condiment farther down the chain than one higher up.

For fear that I will have excluded too many condiments, I'm afraid I can't offer a functional actual chain of command; however, I can give you a rough idea:

1. Burger.
2. Bun.
3. Ketchup.
4. Cheese.
5. Pickles/relish.
6. Mayonnaise.
7. Mustard.
8. Tomatoes.
9. Lettuce.
10. Onion.
11. Bacon.

And that, my friends, is why you never put onions with no cheese.

A Magic Portal in the Bathroom!

Okay. I really don't think anyone gets more excitement out of going to the bathroom than I do; but when I used the bathroom this afternoon, instead of excitement, all I felt was disappointment. Let me explain.

Okay, so. I stayed after school today. I used the bathroom. When I walked in, I at first thought that the janitors were in there or something, because the lighting was dim and I could hear someone inside; however, it turned out to just have the lights off and someone else was on his way out. No big deal. HOWEVER! All of the stalls were pretty far shut except the farthest one, which was turned roughly 30-45 degrees open. And there was this beautiful yellow light pouring out of it.

Literally, no other lights were on in the entire bathroom. There was just the light coming out of the far stall, inviting me forward. And it was only out the door, not the top. It was magical. It was clearly a portal to an alternate dimension.

I put my priorities straight and peed in a urinal first. I wouldn't want to pee in the magic portal. Over the course of my peeing, I thought: what if it really is a portal? Do they hide portals in toilets? Yeah, I saw this anime once where they did that. Oh, but I have a friend waiting for me to come back and play chess with him in the other room. Wouldn't it be rude to leave him hanging? Oh, but maybe time passes slower in this world than in the real world, like in Inception or The Phantom Tollbooth. Oh, but what if it works the other way around, like in the Lotus Casino from Percy Jackson? Or what if it's like in ChalkZone and I can't even get out unless I complete some requisite?

I jest not. All this passed through my head over the course of my urination.

Upon a good flushing, I made a beeline for the magic stall. I opened the door excitedly, only to find a regular handicapped toilet. (Handicapped meaning the one with the bar so that impaired folk can stand up or something.) I reached my hand down to flush, but stopped myself. And it's a good thing I did - I might have missed a very important step! I cleverly grabbed onto the handicap bar and pulled it down. Clearly, it was a secret switch, and the portal wouldn't work unless the lever was down. I gripped firmly onto the now-horizontal bar and flushed.

Nothing.

Needless to say, I was wrought with disappointment. I put up the secret switch/handicap bar, left the stall, and departed from the bathroom, fully dejected. My hopes of being teleported to a magical toilet world were dashed.